Staying at home with Maggie is what I want to do- I am so lucky that I can stay home. But sometimes I get antsy. For 22 years of my life I was pretty much selfish all of the time. (At least I will admit it. ) And then one day- I had a baby. My whole life changed and was kind of turned upside down. My life now revolved around my family.
My day consists of straightening the house 5 times a day, making meals, doing the dishes, folding laundry, changing diapers, and playing with a 10 month old. Some days I just want a printed list to show everything that I accomplished that day. But when the house is a mess again after I just cleaned it and there are a ton of dishes in the sink after cooking dinner and my feet hurt- I don't feel like I accomplished much.
When I worked in my old jobs- I had a boss that gave me positive feedback and I accomplished everything on my to-do list. I also had co-workers to compare myself to and make myself feel good. I interacted with people and could see the positive influence I was in their life. With a baby- I don't get the feedback. Most days- I am fine- I can take it. I know that Maggie loves me and that's all I need. But I know I have days where I just want to be recognized. Like those days where I am wearing my favorite outfit and someone comments on it- totally makes my WEEK!
Why do I like recognition? Am I really that narcissistic? Maybe because as a Mom, I sacrifice some of my loves in life for something greater? I used to be really good at tennis! And I used to be really good at the piano and practiced hours everyday. And I used to be smart- was even a valedictorian at my ghetto high school. I still love to play the piano, tennis, swim, and sew. But I just don't get to do whatever I want when I want to anymore.
So, needless to say- Wednesday afternoon I was feeling lost- where am I? I needed a date with myself. So Wednesday night, when Brad got home from Savior of the World practice, I headed to Costco- ALONE!!! at 8:00 right before they close. It was so nice. I walked up and down most aisles noticing 100s of items I wanted. I gave in to two of those superfluous items (not the Christmas tree I want so desperately). I LOVE COSTCO. I don't necessarily think I save a ton of money having a membership but I think they have amazing products and great quality that you can't get anywhere else. I go to this store for fun!
Today- Brad had it on his calendar to work from home so I could go to a piano workshop this morning. Since he was going to be home the whole day- I jam packed my schedule. Right after the workshop, I went visiting teaching. Then I went to the outlets to make some exchanges and returns. My final stop was Super Wal-Mart for my huge month's shopping. By the end of my "alone" day- I was exhausted. I was starving. I was tired. I had a headache. (probably not the best mood for a wife ;-))
I came home, made dinner, had my last piano lessons, sent Brad to play practice, and put Maggie to bed. And tonight- all I feel is exhausted-from shopping all day. Shopping is fun but it definitely does not bring the kind of fulfillment I get from being with Maggie.
I missed her so much. When I got home- she was so excited to see me and I was so excited to see her. This is really what it is all about- FAMILY! There is nothing I would rather do or work for. I loved the Visiting Teaching message this month. I love The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Even though this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do- I would bring it upon myself again and again if I had the choice. There is nothing in life that even comes close to this. Sometimes I have to step outside of my little bubble to realize just how much I love my life.
I also felt really good when I got home and the house was a mess and Brad said, "It's really hard to get anything done around here." Tomorrow- I just want to be a mom again and go to the park!
Thanks for reading the long post.
(This is what I missed today- wearing Daddy's flip flops)
12 comments:
I like the post. I know what you mean. I am interested to hear more about Brad being in Savior of the World, I too love Costco, a lot! And I am excited to come see you guys!!!
Hey Ash I am right with you! And I totally know what you mean. When I do finally get away I miss Cailyn SOOOOOOO MUCH! I feel like I missed out on some part of her life I can't get back. Weird huh? But hey we all need some alone time right. One time I got that at Meijer at 12am. Crazy! But worth it! :) Oh and you do all your shopping in one trip for a month? WOW!!!
My thoughts to a "T"! Somedays I really miss just doing things for myself. I always have so many projects going through my head but never get the chance to do any of them.
Christian gives me the opportunity to do things alone and I spend the whole time missing my family. For me, a little trip to Costco or JoAnns is refreshimg. You get to browse with out kids or your husband rushing you and then you come home to everyone missing you!
Your a great little mom and you will see more of your accomplishments with Maggie as she gets older! It is very rewarding!
Loved this. First time to you blog (thanks for making a comment so I could find it!!!). Sometimes I still can't believe I have more than like 10 friends with babies. Crazy. And you know what Ash...please, please be selfish every now and then. Go do the dang shopping and try every taster you can see...twice!
Love ya. Wish you lived closer
Ashley- This is a great post. You have always been one to notice the good things in life and I think that makes you a wonderful mother! You are so dedicated and loving. I am glad that you can also get back to teaching piano!
I totally identify--a reminder of feelings of the past. In fact your comments brought a few tears...You are awesome Ashley and Maggie is so blessed to have you for her mother. So blessed...love you sweetie
Ashley I am so excited to read your thoughts of motherhood. they feel especially special now ;) with some changes we have coming up. to be completely honest I'm scared. I'm terrified in fact of having to step away from my selfish life- where it is all about getting my education and degree and living life for me. though i am incredibly excited for the the coming year and years I am afraid of getting lost (or feeling lost) amidst all of the responsibilities and especially the ones that require the sacrifices. i hope that i can make time to be reminded that i will love the choice i'm making to be a mom.
so, thanks for sharing ash. i feel encouraged and blessed.
you have such a beautiful family! :D
I love this post! It's hard to find the balance between motherhood and taking care of yourself. It's so important to find that time to do something for you! I'm glad you went out and had some Ashley time. I completely understand. And of course you miss Maggie when you get back! Who wouldn't?? She is the cutest thing ever! You are honestly such a sweet mommy and are doing a fantastic job. You just have to look at Maggie and see how beautiful and happy she is to see that you are an amazing mom.
I totally feel the same way sometimes! It is nice to be recognized and admired. You have a lot about you to be admired. I didn't know you were valedictorian! amazing!
Ashley, you are darling. Being a mom is wonderful. Just wait till your babies start leaving you.....then you really miss them.
I agree with Grandma, you are awesome and Maggie is so lucky that you are her mom! You are also a great aunt! Love you so much and can not wait to see you at the reunion!
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